BIZBLAT!Marketing, money & other funny business.

BIZBLAT PROUDLY PRESENTS

PUNCHEYE

Big launches. Small print.

The Internet Marketing Launch Calendar.
Another day. Another unprecedented opportunity.

FIND YOUR NEXT BAD DECISION ↓
A marketer's push-button product punches him in the eye with a spring-loaded boxing glove while a bored referee calls for the next launch.

PASS IT ON. SOMEONE WILL BUY IT.

TODAY’S OUTLOOK100% chance of revolutionary technology.Review copy: please admire the box.

THE NEXT BIG THING. AGAIN.

Launches currently threatening to happen.

14 launches. 0 awkward questions.

BIG LAUNCHES

The bigger the claim, the bigger the font.

TODAYAll 1000 of them
LAUNCH OF THE WEAK

Dr Ima Parakeet

TokkyWokky

Instantly make 1000 tiktok videos for no one to engage with.

$17 at 75%JV briefing
BEFORE THE DEMOPrizes are ready

Timmy Tee

ButtonAI

We haven’t decided what the button does, but the affiliate competition is underway.

$7 at 100%JV briefing

CHEAP SHOTS

Small investment. Enormous screenshot.

AFTER THE NEXT EMAILNew identity pending

Pivot Pam

NicheSwitch Unlimited

Automatically changes your business model whenever somebody else posts an income screenshot.

$37/mo at 50%JV briefing
AVAILABLE NOWOddly straightforward
UNDER INVESTIGATION

Bonus Barry

Quote Calculator

Helps freelancers work out what to charge. Affiliates are investigating the catch.

$19 at 50%JV briefing
BEFORE YOUR ACCOUNTSCrop accordingly

Derek Dashboard

Screenshot Millionaire

All the benefits of an income screenshot. None of the inconvenience of earning the income.

$17 at 75%JV briefing

YOU MAY ALREADY OWN THESE

JUST RELAUNCHED

Same product. New enthusiasm.
JUST RELAUNCHEDAgain, with colours

No Asif

ClackDesignz

Rebadged ebook maker from 5 years ago with a new lick of paint and testimonials from their mates.

$27 at 50%JV briefing
FINAL EXTENSIONEnds every midnight

Clive Markup

Price Inflator

Was $4,900. Still $49. Our biggest saving on the same price ever.

$49 at 75%JV briefing

THERE’S MORE WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE

INSIDE BIZBLAT!

Comics, Top Tips, reader letters and products you’ll be relieved you didn’t buy.

Take a look inside ↗
BIZBLAT Issue 01 front cover
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

TokkyWokky

Dr Ima Parakeet · $17 · 75% commission

One thousand videos. The same three views.

At last, a way to multiply the amount of content your audience is already ignoring.

  • Generate 1000 videos before wondering who they are for.
  • Automatically repurpose your lack of an audience across multiple formats.
  • Save time researching what people want by uploading everything instead.
Traffic source
Your existing account. The one with no followers.
Engagement forecast
Your own test like.
Review copy
Too large to attach. Nobody asked to watch it anyway.
“I used to upload one video nobody watched. This is a thousand times more productive.”— Early adopter, still processing
TokkyWokky — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Grab Beaver AI

Adrian Dog · $47 · 50% commission

Two powerful words. One unexplained product.

The most anticipated combination of woodland mammal and artificial intelligence since the sales page designer discovered both stock images.

  • BEAVER: Included prominently in the name.
  • AI: Also included prominently in the name.
  • FUNCTIONALITY: Please refer to the first two features.
Demo
A beaver wearing a headset.
Best for
People who liked the name.
Development status
The logo is exceptional.
“I don’t know what it does, but imagine the possibilities.”— Launch partner, approved immediately
Grab Beaver AI — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

AI Coming Soon

Nigel Rapier · TBA · TBA commission

Launches tomorrow. Still no JV page.

JV PAGE COMING SOON

Launches tomorrow. Still no JV page.

The only coming soon listing generator whose own coming soon listing is its complete demonstration.

  • Product name: Coming soon.
  • Sales page: Coming soon.
  • JV page: You can probably see where this is going.
Launch
Tomorrow.
Review copy
Sooner than ever.
Support
Thank you for your patience.
“We’re nearly ready to announce when we’ll be nearly ready.”— Pre-pre-launch update
AI Coming Soon — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

ButtonAI

Timmy Tee · $7 · 100% commission

One click. Several unanswered questions.

Timmy has secured the prize pool, designed the winner’s cheque and booked a launch party. The developer would like a word.

  • An exceptionally clickable button.
  • A sports car in the promotional graphics.
  • A roadmap containing the word “functionality”.
Product budget
Whatever is left.
Launch prizes
More than the product could possibly earn.
Demo
The button definitely goes down.
“This has all the makings of an enormous launch. We should make something.”— The developer
ButtonAI — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Inner Circle: Exterior Edition

Guru Gaz · $997 · 50% commission

Exclusive proximity to exclusive access.

Join the only outer circle with an inner-circle price. Stand closer to the people who may eventually speak to Gaz.

  • A welcome video filmed from inside the room you cannot enter.
  • Priority access to information about applying for access.
  • A certificate confirming you are somewhere nearby.
Personal access
To the application form.
Community
Other people waiting outside.
Next step
The Inner Inner Circle.
“I’ve never felt so close to almost being included.”— Founding peripheral member
Inner Circle: Exterior Edition — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Deadline Resurrection Pro

Funnel Phil · $27 · 75% commission

The offer is dead. Long live the offer.

Your sale ended permanently last night. We understand that this can be a difficult time for a vendor.

  • Resuscitate any countdown using our proprietary “start again” technology.
  • Choose from 47 versions of “due to popular demand”.
  • Keep selling while insisting you have stopped.
Expiration date
Renewable.
Customer saving
Identical to last week.
Recommended subject
We weren’t going to do this…
“This is absolutely the final extension of the final extension.”— Thursday’s email
Deadline Resurrection Pro — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

AI Calendar

Amut Spitwad · $17 · 50% commission

Seven days a week. Now with artificial intelligence.

For too long, calendars have relied on people knowing what day comes after Monday. That era is over.

  • Predicts that Wednesday will follow Tuesday.
  • Generates twelve months, subject to context limits.
  • Agentic Thursday available in the Pro plan.
Built-in intelligence
Thirty days hath September.
Training data
Other calendars.
Known limitation
Still cannot make your deadline realistic.
“I used to write meetings in boxes. Now I describe the meeting, correct the date and write it in the box.”— Productivity enthusiast
AI Calendar — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Fresh Start Platinum

Vinnie Victim · $97 · 50% commission

New year. Same goals. Better binding.

Leave last year’s empty action pages behind. Our premium edition provides an entirely fresh set.

  • Enough vision pages to avoid the action section until spring.
  • Transfer your old goals without the discomfort of changing them.
  • Luxury ribbon to mark where you stopped.
Results
Waiting for more favourable conditions.
New feature
A habit tracker.
Action required
We prefer “action suggested”.
“This year feels different. I’ve ordered the leather one.”— Vinnie, every year
Fresh Start Platinum — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

NicheSwitch Unlimited

Pivot Pam · $37/mo · 50% commission

Never stick with the wrong idea long enough to find out.

Stay permanently ahead of the work by moving into an entirely different industry before the first customer arrives.

  • One-click rebranding of everything except your bank balance.
  • Replaces “I’ve just started” with “we’re pivoting”.
  • Automatically archives unanswered enquiries from your previous identity.
Supported niches
All of them, briefly.
Customer retention
Customers cannot find you.
Cancel anytime
You’ll have moved on by then.
“I’ve found my calling. Again.”— Pam, this morning
NicheSwitch Unlimited — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Quote Calculator

Bonus Barry · $19 · 50% commission

An actual thing that does the thing.

Enter your time, costs and margin. Get a quote. We appreciate that this description raises a number of concerns.

  • No mandatory discovery call.
  • Includes the features shown in the screenshot.
  • Works without buying the implementation upgrade.
Bonus
A small useful checklist.
Webinar
No.
Catch
Investigation ongoing.
“How do you make money if I don’t have to buy anything else?”— A concerned customer
Quote Calculator — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Screenshot Millionaire

Derek Dashboard · $17 · 75% commission

Show them the numbers you wish you had.

Transform the way your followers perceive your business without troubling the bank.

  • A larger font for revenue.
  • An exceptionally small area for expenses.
  • Luxury cursor for pointing at the result.
Compatibility
Any social network with an image upload.
Bookkeeping
Please keep using your actual figures.
Bank integration
Absolutely not.
“My followers and accountant have never disagreed so strongly.”— An entrepreneur in portrait mode
Screenshot Millionaire — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

The Seven-Figure Folder

Gordon Downloads · $9.97 · 100% commission

More files than ideas.

An enormous quantity of things, carefully valued by adding up numbers we chose ourselves.

  • Start Here, Start Here First and New Start Here.
  • Every PDF also supplied inside a zip file.
  • A folder named FINAL FINAL USE THIS ONE.
Perceived value
$48,790.
Actual use
Storage.
Updates
We change the year on the cover.
“I haven’t opened any of it, but there’s certainly a lot.”— Satisfied downloader
The Seven-Figure Folder — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

ClackDesignz

No Asif · $27 · 50% commission

The same old software. A surprisingly fresh invoice.

You may recognise the buttons. You may recognise the menus. You may already own three previous editions.

  • A revolutionary new shade of blue.
  • The original features, in almost the original places.
  • A fresh set of testimonials about what a lovely bloke the vendor is.
What’s new
The logo, mainly.
Review copy
Already in your Downloads folder under a different name.
Testimonials
“Known him for years. Great guy.”
“I can’t believe what they’ve done with it.”— A mate, referring to the price
ClackDesignz — Bizblat promotional artwork
PUNCHEYE / THE JV BRIEFING

Price Inflator

Clive Markup · $49 · 75% commission

Why lower your price when you can raise the other one?

The Black Friday tool that does absolutely nothing to your checkout.

  • Inflate a reference price in seconds.
  • Add a discount badge large enough to obscure the product.
  • Automatically extend your final extension.
Your price
$49.
Your customer’s saving
$4,851.
Your actual discount
Let’s focus on the saving.
“I’ve moved upmarket without moving.”— Clive Markup
Price Inflator — Bizblat promotional artwork
JV briefing